An Interview with Rev. Nørb of Boris the Sprinkler

Interview originally published in December, 1997.

Sobriquet: Okay, I suppose that it would be somewhat appropriote to introduce the interviewee to the reader. Rev. Norb, could you please introduce yourself to our readership in under fifty words, whilst using at least five words containing the letter 'z'?

Rev Norb: Zertainly. I am zee Reverend Norb, Zultan of ZweeTarts. I zing for zee band known as "Boris Zee Sprinklair," and am one-quarter French, which explains my great passion for zee oral zex.

Sobriquet: Now that we've gotten that formality taken care of, let's get on with the insipid questions. First, can you share the weirdest or most interesting dream that you've ever had?

Rev. Norb: No, because the best/weirdest/most interesting dreams I've ever had are the ones where I am totally conscious that I'm dreaming during them, where my mind is operating essentially the same as it does when I'm awake, except that my senses are taking in dream-data instead of real-world data. When I have dreams like this, which happens all-too-infrequently, everything that happens in the dream looks and feels essentially the same as it would if I were awake, so I can just basically create any sort of situation I want and it pretty much feels indistinguishable from how it would feel in real life-hence, it's sort of like I'm Master of Reality or something. Basically, I can't share these dreams with you because I mostly just go around raping and fucking people, and I don't want you to get in trouble.

Sobriquet: Next, if Duluth was on fire and you could only save one thing located within the city, what would it be and why?

Rev. Norb: That big, tall General Mills silo, because it doesn't have a bunch of stupid spikes on its leather jacket.

Sobriquet:Y'know how most high schools have that section in their yearbook that lists the names of students elected to be "Most Likely To Succeed" or to have the "Best Eyes?" I'll list a few of those topics here for you to consider. Feel free to elect anybody in the world and explain briefly why they deserve such an honor.

Best Dressed:

Rev. Norb: Ultimo Dragon, professional wrestler. The gold hood is rad.

Best Sense of Humor:

Mike Holmgren, coach of the Green Bay Packers. This guy has to pretend that the people who follow his football team AREN'T a bunch of backwater geeks, that's GOTTA take a sense of humor to deal with.

Best Personality:

Oh, me, I'm really great. Gowan, try me.

Sobriquet: Following that same style of question, I'll list some words and topics for you to elaborate on.

Cheese:

Rev. Norb: Cheese Popcorn, Cheesecake, and Cheese Curls are actually better than cheese itself, sort of like how watermelon sucks but watermelon flavored candy is really swell. What America really needs is the cheese-flavored Jolly Rancher, if only to aggravate the vegans.

Dancing:

I used to be able to dance until I became old and brittle; now I advocate just rotating along a vertical axis like the bass player of Loli and the Chones does.

Carpe Diem:

Latin for "Seize Doris Day."

Peter Bagge's quote, "I like Hate and I hate everything else:"

I hate the fact that he thought of that before I did.

Sobriquet: Okay, back to the traditional question format. Describe your worst flatulance-related moment.

Rev. Norb: I've actually sort of enjoyed them all. Once, in high school Calculus class, I ripped a silent but voluminous peanut butter fart, and this girl, Cheryl, who sat behind me was, like, sniffing the air and stuff, and I was going "oh no...oh no..." and she looks at me and says "do you smell flowers?" I told her, why yes, I kind of did. I've thought of her as brain dead ever since.

Sobriquet: As a respected member of the punk community, what do you think about toy products that include small pieces that children under three could choke on?

Rev. Norb: I think that they need smaller pieces so bigger kids can choke on them too.

Sobriquet: Finally, Rev. Norb, what is love?

Rev. Norb: Love is when girls come over to my house and fuck me. Right?